New innovative outdoor products from the Matthews Whole Outdoors Catalog
By JIM MATTHEWS
It is still surprising to me that many of the regular readers of this column are not familiar with my family’s history outdoor product line. In existence since the late 1800s, the Matthews Whole Outdoors Catalog Company (MWOCC) has always been the leader in the most innovate, forward-thinking equipment used by hunters, fishermen, backpackers, mountain climbers, and campers. I like to occasionally use this space to highlight some of the most innovative new products in the lead-up to Black Friday, the family company’s busiest order day of the year because of the incredible 50 to 70 percent-off sales we have each year.
This is one of the most exciting new products:
REAL-TIME SATELLITE IMAGERY
HAND-HELD AND VEHICLE UNITS
In development for over a decade, we are proud to announce the unveiling of our real-time satellite devices. Think of Google Earth of steroids. Over the past three years, the MWOCC has been purchasing space on private rocket launches to install stationary imaging satellites in fixed locations across the United States. With over 400 satellites in place, they feature the highest resolution imaging systems ever developed, all pioneered by my great uncle Werner Von Matthews. The resolution level is so detailed that you can actually see hatching insects on trout rivers and identify the species. We how have complete real-time coverage of the entire continental United States, and our Alaska and Canada satellites should be in place by next year.
These hand-held or vehicle/home mounted devices are ideal for keeping track of husbands while they are “fishing,” bird-watching from the comforts of home, doing real-time scouting when hunting, easily spotting game herds and even coveys of chukar. The home/vehicle device has unlimited image recording capabilities. The prototypes have been used by Colorado search and rescue teams for two years and they have been able to find lost millennials with far less time and effort, usually within 100 yards of the nearest road. Outdoor uses are nearly endless.
Handheld Outdoor RTS $999
Home or Vehicle-Based Outdoor RTS $1,299
Annual satellite subscription service $49.99
Warning: Cousin Steve Apple Matthews has written a software algorithm for our main frame that tracks users and immediately reports any nefarious activity, from peeping-tommery to clandestine meetings with Russian spies, etc.
There are also some classic catalog items that are perennial favorites and difficult to keep in stock through the holiday season. It is recommended that you order early if you want any of these:
SCENTED MOOD CANDLES
A perfect off-season gift for the hunter who misses hunting camp or the wife who misses her traveling husband. However, these flatulence-scented candles were designed with the holidays in mind when guests and old girlfriends overstay their welcome. They are perfect for killing the mood. These wax-based, long-burning candles are available in three flatulence scent/size combinations that can send your message in varying degrees. A sound effects adapter is extra.
Little-Toot Candles (set of six) $8
Rip-Snort Candles (per pair) $10
Seam-Buster Candle $12 (You only need one!)
Finger-Pull Audio Adapter $22
Guaranteed not to peel the paint.
FERMENTED GRIZZLY BEAR
MILK TO END HAIRLOSS
Great Uncle Mountain Matthews started drinking distilled and fermented grizzly milk because, as he explained it, "It put hair on my chest." He swears this natural elixir promotes the growth of a soft fur undercoat in men. Uncle Mountain drank the concoction prior to and throughout the winter when trapping in the Northwest Territories as a young man. He said it allowed him to grow a dense fur coat to stave off the cold and reduce the layers of clothing he needed to wear in that cold environment. Uncle Mountain has written a book about how he procured the grizzly milk that is being made into an action movie for release next year. Today, actors use this product when playing werewolf parts. Regular folks drink it before costume parties. But its major benefit, in moderate daily doses, is that it prevents hair loss and completely ends shyness. Also great for hangovers because everyone knows "hair of the bear" is better than "hair of the dog."
Booze with a Bite (90 proof) $189 per fifth
Cousin Willis Matthews gives tours of the MWOCC's grizzly dairy located just outside Yellowstone National Park. He says that grizzly bear milkers are a dying breed.
FROG HORMONE ELIXIR FOR
AVID FLOAT-TUBE ANGLERS
Developed by the genetic staff at the Matthews Outdoor Gene Group (the same people who introduced Irish elk genetics into Rocky Mountain elk to produce bulls that score over 500 Boone & Crockett points), our workers found that modest amounts of frog hormones will bulk up the thighs and calves of humans in a matter of a few hours. Cousin Willis Matthews, the bass fishing fanatic, found he was able to kick his float tube faster and further without tiring after using the hormone. In fact, he has been clocked at an honest eight miles an hour, and Willis has also taken up kick-boxing. We have mixed the frog hormones in a tasty kiwi drink that also gives you all your daily vitamins. Warning: Do not exceed recommended doses. When taken in excessive amounts, it can cause webbed toes, a funny, hopping walk, an odd dietary craving for insects, and splotched, greenish skin. On the up side, should you lose, say, a finger, it will regenerate.
Thunder Thigh Elixir $12.89
Notice: This product has been ruled illegal for Olympic swimmers.
GENUINE ANIMAL PROTEIN
Now in its 22nd year of production, these products are finally being copied by other companies. But the story is that MWOCC was first to develop these protein-laden products when our staff became sickened by the whining of animal rights advocates and health food addicts. The Matthews Research Group has developed this line of products for our meat-eating customers who abhor greens but feel obligated by social pressures to serve rabbit food to guests. Through a special process, we use beef, veal and pork to make imitation vegetable products that are virtually indistinguishable from real vegetables. They can be served chilled, steamed or boiled. Hot with fresh butter, these products are guaranteed to send your cholesterol levels to dangerous levels and cease lack-of-protein brain rot in your vegetarian and animal rights friends without their knowledge. All packages weigh one pound and are very high in sodium.
Bull Brocolli $8.95
Calf Cauliflower $11.95
Porky Peas $7.95
The MWOCC is one of those rare business that still offers a free print catalog (over 400 pages with 20,000-plus products and wonderful reading), and it is now printed on soft, absorbent paper for use in outhouses when next year’s copy is delivered. We also have a website and online catalog available, and all delivers are now done same-day by drone, with only some delays during hurricanes or tornadoes. Please feel free to email me at email@example.com, and I’d be happy to forward your catalog request and provide you the website address along with putting you on our monthly email product update.
Jim Matthews is a syndicated Southern California-based outdoor reporter and columnist. He can be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org or by phone at 909-887-3444.