New products announced for Christmas in the Matthews Whole Outdoors Catalog
By JIM MATTHEWS
It continues to amaze me that some regular readers of this outdoor column have never associated my name with the world-famous Matthews Whole Outdoors Catalog Company (MWOCC, on the New York Stock Exchange), a Fortune 500 company, that to this day continues to be family-owned and operated by my relatives.
The MWOCC is the largest outdoor company in the world, providing products made with natural and synthetic products from around the globe and outer space (our meteorite-head jigs have proven to provide unusual fish-attracting abilities in both fresh and saltwater). We have catered to hunters and fishermen since the company’s inception in the mid-1800s, but now we carry everything from backpacking specialties, to equestrian products, to the gear for latest outdoor activities, like stand-up boarding and cross-country pogo-sticking. In every category, our products are the most innovative and forward-thinking, all designed and tested by members of the Matthews family.
For those who have never heard of MWOCC, I thought I would take this space during the busiest shopping season of the year to introduce some of our best-selling new products introduced just for Christmas.
Authentic, Real-Time Satellite
Imaging Phone/Tablet Application
Joining our extensive line of telephone applications and telephone adaptors designed by uncle Steve “Apple” Matthews, this new “spot and stalk” application has been made possible by the successful launch of 22 stationary satellites by the MWOCC in the past two years. These satellites are outfitted with the latest in ultra-high resolution, real-time imaging equipment usable in all of North America (the African, European, and Australian apps will be out later this year). Think of this application as 21st Century binoculars able to see the whole continent. The zoom resolution is so high, it allows you to watch frogs mating on a local pond in real time and captures screen images and video for sharing on social media.
The app was designed for hunters who want to find an evaluate big game before venturing away from the truck (perfect for millennials), but fly-anglers are using the application to see the species and intensity of insects hatching on favorite waters, turkey hunters are using it to roost birds before morning hunts, and ocean anglers are using it to find boils and bird schools. It’s also perfect for wildlife viewing from the safety of your own couch, and you can watch your child’s soccer game without being there. The Spot-N-Stalk App is just $349 with a $39 annual subscription for unlimited satellite use.
Portable Pop-Up Blinds and Tents For
Hunting, Camping, and Safe Spaces
Using refined carrot fibers combined with caddis fly larva “silk” material, cousin Willis Matthews has come up with material about a three microns thick that both sheds moisture and is as strong as heavy-gauge canvas. The framing is made with the latest graphite tubing the diameter of pencil lead. Using this fabric and tubing, the MWOCC has come up with a unique line of pop-up blinds and tents ranging from the size of a closet to 40x60-feet. The “personal safe space” tent/stand-up blind quickly folds down to the size of a pack of chewing gum, while the huge 40x60 outfitter tent fits into a two-foot long duffle that is four inches in diameter. For very sensitive people, we also have a sound-proofing liner for the Personal Safe Space Tent that won’t allow harsh words, disagreements, or common sense to intrude into your safe space. The Blind to Reality tent is $126. Prices for the larger tents (22 different sizes) goes up to $995 for the largest tent.
Genuine Election-Grade, Super-Wicking,
Quick-Drying, Compact Crying Towels
I don’t want to give away any of my family-company’s trade secrets, but these heavy-duty scarves made from layered woven swan down, spun polypropylene, and powdered moose antler have been in the produce line since the 1970s. They are super absorbent, warm, and wick moisture away from the skin. Repackaged and renamed since the November election as “Not-My-President Crying Towels,” we have been selling literally 100s of thousands of the compact towel (it folds up and fits in a watch pocket) to disgruntled Clinton voters (and conservatives who think they are hilarious Christmas presents). It is also perfect for millennial hunters and fishermen who have trouble coping when they miss (or kill) game. Available only in faded blue. Compact Waaaa-Waaaa Towel is just $12, while regular towel is $18, and the beach towel (also functions as an emergency blanket) is just $22.
The complete Matthews Whole Outdoors Catalog Company catalog is available on-line, as a PDF document via e-mail, and in printed versions (400-plus pages). The catalog is available in over 200 languages for our international customers. We also offer same hour delivery service by drone for most of our products. I am just shocked that you’ve never heard of this company. Sears, Herter’s, and Bass Pro Shops all patterned their mail order business model after the MWOCC model.
READERS: I have been doing this Matthews Whole Outdoor Catalog thing at Thanksgiving or during December holiday season for years. Here’s an edited version with what I think have been some of our best “products” over those years. Thanks for reading, Jim Matthews
MWOCC celebrates 150 years
of unique outdoor products
By JIM MATTHEWS
A lot of people recognize my name but never make the connection that I might be involved with famous Matthews Whole Outdoors Catalog Company (MWOCC), but it’s true. While I don’t take part in the day-to-day operations of this most innovative, successful, and longest-running of all outdoor product companies, this family-owned business has been in operation for over 150 years.
It happened on Thanksgiving weekend 1854 when my great-great grandfather Peat Matthews left as manager of the Hudson’s Bay Company and started his own outdoor supply company in the United States because he wanted to expand beyond furs and trapping. He teamed up with his cousins, twin brothers Honest Abe Matthews and Crockett Matthews, some of the preeminent makers of deerskin gloves and jackets in their time and accomplished makers of flintlock rifles. The trio decided to go into business to sell hunting, trapping, and homesteading products of their own design throughout the country.
The cranberries had fermented that Thanksgiving, but it was too late to go back on the pact they'd made while in a stupor. Sober, the problem of how to deliver products to people in a Christmas shopping frenzy back then (before UPS) was a major concern. The trio were instrumental in helping develop the Pony Express and the transcontinental railroad.
In the years that would follow, virtually every other major outdoor catalog and retailing company has since followed in the footsteps of Peat, Honest Abe and Crockett Matthews. L.L. Bean and G.L. Herter both apprenticed under Peat (the business brains of the outfit) and eventually started their own companies. Even the founders of Cabela’s and Bass Pro Shops followed the advice given freely by members of the Matthews clan. Yet, even with this competition, the MWOCC remains the largest outdoor product company in the world and it only carries its own line of exclusive products. I’m proud to be a part of the rich family history.
I frequently take this space at Thanksgiving to talk about some of our newest and most cutting edge products, but this year I wanted to highlight some products from past years that remain some of our most popular sellers, perfect for those of you looking to find that perfect outdoor gift for the outdoorsmen or outdoorswomen in your family. Enjoy.
SCENTED MOOD CANDLES
A perfect off-season gift for the hunter who misses hunting camp or the wife who misses her traveling husband. However, these flatulence-scented candles were designed with the holidays in mind when guests and old girlfriends overstay their welcome. They are perfect for killing the mood. These wax-based, long-burning candles are available in three flatulence scent/size combinations that can send your message in varying degrees. A sound effects adapter is extra. Guaranteed not to peel the paint.
Little Toot Candles (set of six) $8
Rip Snort Candles (per pair) $10
Seam Buster Candle $12 (You only need one!)
Finger-Pull Audio Adapter $22
FERMENTED GRIZZLY BEAR
MILK TO END HAIRLOSS
Great Uncle Mountain Matthews started drinking distilled and fermented grizzly milk because, as he explained it, "It put hair on my chest." He swears this natural elixir promotes the growth of a soft fur undercoat in men. Uncle Mountain drank the concoction prior to and throughout the winter when trapping in the Northwest Territories as a young man. He said it allowed him to grow a dense fur coat to stave off the cold and reduce the layers of clothing he needed to wear in that cold environment. Uncle Mountain has written a book about how he procured the grizzly milk that is being made into an action movie for release next year. Today, actors use this product when playing werewolf parts. Regular folks drink it before costume parties. But its major benefit, in moderate daily doses, is that it prevents hair loss and completely ends shyness. Also great for hangovers because everyone knows "hair of the bear" is better than "hair of the dog."
Booze with a Bite (90 proof) $189 per fifth
Cousin Willis Matthews gives tours of the MWOCC's grizzly dairy located just outside Yellowstone National Park. He says that grizzly bear milkers are a dying breed.
FROG HORMONE ELIXIR FOR
AVID FLOAT TUBE ANGLERS
Developed by the genetic staff at the Matthews Outdoor Gene Group (the same people who introduced Irish elk genetics into Rocky Mountain elk to produce bulls that score over 500 Boone & Crockett points), our workers found that modest amounts of frog hormones will bulk up the thighs and calves of humans in a matter of a few hours. Cousin Willis Matthews, the bass fishing fanatic, found he was able to kick his float tube faster and further without tiring after using the hormone. In fact, he has been clocked at an honest eight miles an hour, and Willis has also taken up kick-boxing. We have mixed the frog hormones in a tasty kiwi drink that also gives you all your daily vitamins. Warning: Do not exceed recommended doses. When taken in excessive amounts, it can cause webbed toes, a funny, hopping walk, an odd dietary craving for insects, and splotched, greenish skin. On the up side, should you lose, say, a finger, it will regenerate.
Thunder Thigh Elixir $12.89
Notice: This product has been ruled illegal for Olympic swimmers.
GENUINE ANIMAL PROTEIN
Sickened by the whining of animal rights advocates and health food addicts, the Matthews Research Group has developed this line of products for our meat-eating customers who abhor greens but feel obligated by social pressures to serve rabbit food to guests. Through a special process, we use beef, veal and pork to make imitation vegetable products that are virtually indistinguishable from real vegetables. They can be served chilled, steamed or boiled. Hot with fresh butter, these products are guaranteed to send your cholesterol levels to dangerous levels and cease lack-of-protein brain rot in your vegetarian and animal rights friends without their knowledge. All packages weigh one pound and are very high in sodium.
Bull Brocolli 8.95
Calf Cauliflower 11.95
Porky Peas 7.95
GENUINE BULL MOOSE
DROPPINGS IN ACRYLIC
Absolutely unavailable from any other source in the world, these new items in our catalog were added to the novelty/jewelry section for this year. The Matthews expedition team has used acrylic-coated moose droppings for buttons on their heavy outer gear for years. During many public appearances there have been hundreds of requests for these droppings. So this year we are offering single droppings and whole dropping piles collected in places throughout North America, all come with an authentic collection card detailing the location and horn size of the moose that left the droppings. The acrylic coating makes the dropping look as fresh as the day they were left in the woods. For a great party novelty, a small piece of dry ice placed under a dropping pile actually makes it appear the droppings are steaming fresh.
Single Pet Turds $1.50
Small Pet Turd Pile $25.95
Large Pet Turd Pile $42.50
Keep an eye on our catalog Dropping Section for additions to this line. The Expedition Team is collecting bison chips in Utah's Henry Mountains, bighorn pellets in Baja California, and elk droppings in British Columbia.
AUTHENTIC ‘EAGER DOE-IN-HEAT
SCENT FOR RIFLE AND BOW HUNTERS
Not available from any other source! This secret formula will draw whitetail bucks from over three miles away, mule deer will come out of summer range onto winter range, and it will make blacktails actually climb trees. All this is proven in actual field tests. Mountain Matthews, our great-uncle, found in his extensive observations of wildlife in the Trinity Alps that the biggest blacktail and mule deer bucks were attracted more to certain willing female deer during the rut. Extensive research followed and this scent is taken from our captive herd of yearling deer coming into heat for the first time. At the plant where the scent is processed in Mississippi, seventeen whitetail bucks, including a buck that was later measured as No. 22 in the Boone and Crockett record book, have crashed through doors and windows trying to find the doe emitting this scent.
Wanton Whitetail $8.95/2 oz. bottle
Mulie Musk $8.85/2 oz. bottle
WARNING: Never sprinkle the scent onto your clothing; only place it on brush or trees near your blind. We are not responsible for improper use of this product and the injury or humiliation that might take place thereof.
AN AUTHENTIC ELECTRONIC
DOLPHIN LANGUAGE DECODER
Divers around the world have been pressing our technology experts at MWOCC to come up with a method to decipher the squeaking language of dolphins. Our great uncle, Werner Von Matthews, who single-handedly broke the code used by the Germans in World War II, not only was able to translate all known sounds of dolphins, he has put all the data into a microchip as part of a small, waterproof computer that fits in a pair of specialized diving goggles or mask. With the special ear piece, you can instantly hear the computer’s translation of what the dolphins are saying around you while diving. During head-wagging, laughing behavior, some phrases used by the dolphins repeatedly around human divers are perplexing because they translate as: “Otter-brained-whale-spittle,” “Net this!,” “Does anyone know how to CALL great white sharks?,” “Rucy I’m Home,” and “Land urchin.”
Flipper Talks Swim Goggles $289
Flipper Talks Swim Mask $359
ENDANGERED KANGAROO RATS FOR
DOMESTIC RELOCATION PROJECTS
Do you hate yard work? Of course you do, it cuts into hunting and fishing time! The whole Matthews clan has been working on captive breeding programs for a host of endangered species with the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, and Uncle Aldo Matthews has become incredibly successful at breeding several subspecies of kangaroo rats. (“They are rats, after all, and they breed like it,” he says.) Once released in your yard, it becomes federally protected habitat for an endangered species and you can’t -- by law! -- mow, weed, till, or otherwise change the habitat. We provide the correct subspecies for your area and notify the USFWS of the “discovery” so you do a little hunting or fishing instead of yard work.
NoMo Yard Work Rat Pack $44.87 (six K-rats)
Subsidy-Qualifying Colony $288 (sixty K-Rats)
Preserve-Sized Infestation $996 (six hundred K-Rats)
We also have endangered willow flycatchers, flower-loving sand flies, Southern rubber boas, Santa Ana River suckers, and desert tortoises up the wazoo. Larger Landowners: Do you own undevelopable flood plain, swamp, or steep hillsides? Get federal subsidies for endangered species or sell your land to the government for a wildlife preserve at a big profit. Ask us how.
Genuine, Completely Invisible
Fishing Line for Trophy Anglers
Frustrated by fish that shy away from your bait or lure because of the fishing line? Grandfather Werner Von Matthews has been developing invisible products under contract for the U.S. Military for years and this product is an offshoot of that work. We’d tell you how it was made but we’d have to kill you. Just kidding, it’s core product is black widow spider silk line develop by cousin Willis Matthews in Arkansas with grandfather’s secret permeable filament coating formula that is both transparent and non-reflective, making it both strong and completely invisible in all light spectrums. The spool just looks empty. Really, there’s invisible line on it. Would we kid you?
Not-There Line (100-yard spool) $29.86
(Available in six, 12, 24, and 48-pound test configurations)
Knot tying with the line is problematic so we provide a biodegradable water-soluable spritz that will adhere to the line so it can be seen until washing off. See, there is line on the spool.
Genuine Bigfoot Hair
For that special friend, we’ve discovered the perfect gift. World explorer, expedition team leader, and wildlife behaviorist extraordinaire Great-Uncle Mountain Matthews has been tracking several family groups of bigfoot for decades in Oregon and Mongolia, and he has recently discovered the ceremonial summer haircut locations of two tribes if these ancient primates. The primates use sharp obsidian to shave their long back hair so they are cooler in the summer. Mountain has been collecting this coarse hair and our staff in Arkansas is weaving it into lovely braclets. To maintain authenticity, the hair is unwashed and “fragrant,” carrying the scents of the great outdoors. All Bigfoot exhibit “rolling” behavior, like some dogs, rubbing their backs on and rolling in dead animal carcasses, game droppings, and rotten fruit. Available in small, medium, and large.
Yeti Smell-of-the-Wild Bracelets $88.84
Please do not confuse these authentic Yeti hair bracelets with the imitations sold by our competitors, which are really made with zoo-raised baboon or gorilla hair. Our Yeti bracelets all come with DNA certification papers, unavailable from the imitators.
For those of you who’d like a complete copy of the MWOCC catalog, think the letters of the M-W-O-C-C to yourself, and then think your name and address (please spell out difficult or unusual names in your mind), and our special telepathic catalog staff will see that one appears at your mailing address within three business days.
[Jim Matthews is a syndicated Southern California-based outdoor reporter and columnist. He can be reached via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org or by phone at 909-887-3444.]